


butterflies cascading

by LtTanyaBoone



Series: welcome to the Modern AU [10]
Category: Pan Am
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-08 04:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14097498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtTanyaBoone/pseuds/LtTanyaBoone
Summary: “I get it,” Colette told her, soft sigh leaving the French stewardess. “It took me a while, but... I think I understand now. Why you, broke it off. With me.”“Oh,” Kate breathed, finding her heart in her throat all of a sudden.“And I’m sorry, for making it more difficult,” Colette added, casting a glance at the American before her gaze returned to her legs again. Kate took a slow breath, and another, wondering what she was supposed to say. Was she supposed to thank her? For her understanding? Well, Kate hadn’t asked for it. Nor had she expected it. And if she was honest, she didn’t think that Colette really understood her decision, either.





	butterflies cascading

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to [OMNIA's "For Alice"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTBLB4p3MRc) while writing this. The title is part of the lyrics of the song. I do suggest letting it play in the background during Colette's part. I think it sets a particular mood, which definitely inspired the flow of this piece.

_Running from the house you enter_  
_Running out toward the center_  
_Alice, Alice in your head_  
_She's in your head_  
_She's in your head_  
_She's in your head_

_\- "For Alice", OMNIA_

* * *

 

“Um...” Kate murmured and cleared her throat, shifting uncomfortably. “I, uh, I guess, we’re, sharing.”

She watched as Colette swallowed thickly, her lips moving briefly before her mouth closed and the brunette gave a curt nod.

"Okay,” she said and grabbed the keycard from the concierge. “606,” she told Kate as she signed for the card and gave the man at the reception desk a brief smile.

The way up to their room was done in awkward silence, both of them staring straight ahead at the elevator doors until they opened. When Colette failed to move, Kate decided to make the first step and got off the elevator, which apparently pulled the brunette from her thoughts, seeing as she started to follow her. They went down the hallway and Colette finally opened the door to their room, allowing Kate to enter it first as she trailed behind to close the door and use the keycard to turn the electricity on.

“Which bed do you want?” Kate asked as Colette joined her. The French woman gave a shrug.

“I don’t care,” she replied, taking off her cap and throwing it onto the desk. She pulled the hair tie from her hair then shook out her long tresses, a soft sigh escaping her. Kate watched her briefly, swallowing at the visual before she shook her head and pulled herself from her thoughts.

“Right side’s mine, then,” the American decided and threw her carry-on onto the right bed, quickly tossing both her cap and shawl onto it, too.

When she turned around, she found that Colette had taken off her uniform jacket and was reading through the instructions for the AC.

“26?” she asked her and turned on the AC. Kate frowned at the other woman, who took a moment to realize the reason. “Sorry,” she apologized, clicking on the remote. “79 degrees, is that alright?”

“Sure,” Kate agreed, pulling off her own jacket before she went to inspect the bathroom. It wasn’t anything fancy, floor level shower with a drain that made Kate suspect that using the thing would flood the whole bathroom, though the bottom of the wooden door seemed to show no signs of water damage or mildew. The sink worked fine and the hotel had supplied them with two sets of towels, a small one and a large for either one of them. Kate shut the door and turned on the faucet, washing her face with cold water. She hated the dry heat of Athens. It wasn’t so bad on the coast, directly at the beach, but as soon as you left the sea, the heat got almost unbearable.

The American grabbed one of the towels and carefully dabbed at her face, silently singing the praise of waterproof makeup. She hung the towel up and switched off the light. When she returned to the bedroom, she froze at the sight of Colette’s naked back.

“Sorry,” Kate stammered and turned around, feeling herself flush when she realized that she could see Colette in the mirror over the desk and that the other woman had turned around in surprise at the sound of Kate’s voice. The redhead quickly shut her eyes, covering them with a hand.

“It’s okay,” Colette muttered. “Nothing you haven’t seen,” she added and Kate bit her tongue to keep herself from letting out a sigh. Colette was right, and it was precisely the problem.

“Yeah, but...” she replied instead with a shrug. “Not my place any more, is it?” she added, wondering where the bitter note in her voice had come from. Colette ignored her statement, instead telling Kate she was okay to turn around again. Slowly, Kate lowered her hand and chanced a glance in the mirror, seeing Colette pull on a thin shirt, the back straps of her bikini top visible on her back.

“I’ll be just a moment,” the French woman said, grabbing a bundle of clothes and motioning towards the bathroom. Kate nodded and took a step aside to let her pass, ignoring how her pulse was racing. She went to her own luggage and started to look for an outfit better suited to Greek summer temperatures than her flight attendant uniform.

When Colette returned, she’d exchanged her dark uniform pants for a beige mini skirt.

“Bridget asked if we want to go club hopping later,” she told Kate, who’d hurriedly changed her own clothes while the other woman took her time in the bathroom. Apparently, she’d texted with the Brit. Probably told her about the embarrassing episode moments before. Oh well, Kate knew she hadn’t done it on purpose, and she had apologized.

“I don’t think I will,” the redhead replied, switching through the channels on the TV in search of something with English news. BBC or CNN, she didn’t really care. Just something to take her mind off the fact she was sharing a room with Colette, of all people. Oh, what had she done to deserve this sort of punishment.

“Huh,” Colette mumbled, shifting. Kate turned her attention from the TV to the other woman.

“What?” she asked her, furrowing her brows.

“Would you,” Colette started, but had to clear her throat, “would you mind if I, also, stayed in?” she asked, averting her eyes. Kate arched her eyebrows at the other woman.

“You don’t want to go out with Bridget and Martin?” she asked her, genuinely surprised.

“I’m not in the mood for partying,” Colette told her, an edge to her voice. Kate flinched at the sound and inclined her head.

“Right,” she mumbled and gave a noncommittal shrug. “I won’t mind if you stay in,” she added, hesitating. “If you want me to, I can hang with Laura. Or if Laura goes out with them, maybe they can leave their key and I could-”

“You don’t have to do that,” Colette interrupted her, her voice gone soft again. “We’re adults, hiding out in another room, it would be ridiculous.”

“Yeah,” Kate agreed, uncertain if perhaps that wouldn’t be preferable to spending the evening cooped up with an ex.

Colette and her went to dinner at different times, getting a couple of minutes respite from each other. After dinner, Colette went out on the balcony to snap a couple of pictures. Kate didn’t miss that she was gone a lot longer than it would take to get a few photographs of the view. She wasn’t surprised to find Colette leaning against the banister when she looked out the window, a cigarette in her hand as she stared off into the distance.

“That’s loud,” Kate cringed as she stepped onto the balcony, joining her roomie. The music and sound of partygoers wafted up to their balcony, the cacophony of sounds almost unbearable even at five stories up.

“Yeah,” Colette agreed, turning to stub out the cigarette.

“You don’t have to do that,” Kate told her. The other woman froze, her shoulders tense before she gave a short nod.

“Right,” she muttered, raising the cigarette to her mouth again to take a drag. She did turn her head away from Kate as she exhaled the smoke, though, making the redhead slightly grateful.

“Room’s quiet, though. Good insulation.”

Colette gave a soft sound and leaned against the banister again, flicking the ash off it. She seemed, tired. Kate had noticed it on the plane, too. Then again, she was pretty sure that she looked exhausted as well. The past weeks had been kind of rough, emotionally.

“I used to wonder what the odds where that if you spit from the balcony, you actually hit someone.”

“Given that we’re about thirty meters from the walkway, I’d say pretty slim,” Colette replied, exhaling smoke through her nose. Kate turned her head, watching her.

“Can you do rings?” she asked her. The brunette slowly turned her head, giving her an incredulous look.

“Sorry,” Kate apologized. “Nervous habit.”

Colette blinked at her before jumping. With a soft curse, she stubbed out her cigarette, inspecting her fingers after. Apparently, Kate had managed to distract her so she hadn’t noticed the glowing end creeping closer. To Kate’s surprise, the French woman grabbed the pack from the table and lit another cigarette.

“No,” she answered as she tossed pack and lighter back on the table. “I can’t do smoke rings.”

Kate gave a nod in acknowledgement before deciding that she better leave Colette alone with her thoughts. The other woman didn’t seem to appreciate her company. Kate didn’t blame her. She gave a soft wave and then returned inside, where the TV was giving another stock market report.

A few hours later, Kate jerked awake, her breath leaving her in a gasp. She sat up in bed and rubbed a hand over her face, turning her face to the window. The lights on the balconies were out, it was probably after midnight. Upon turning her head further, she found Colette curled up in her bed, the thin sheet kicked off to the foot of the bed. Kate shook her head and stood, padding on bare feet to the bathroom to get herself a glass of water. She shut the door before turning on the light, hoping that she wouldn’t wake the other occupant of the room that way.

When she returned to the bedroom, three glasses of cold water later, she found Colette had moved in her sleep, now lying spread-eagled on her back. Her white tank top had ridden up somewhat, exposing her stomach. Kate’s stomach gave a flip as her eyes travelled lower, resting on Colette’s black hotpants before she shook her head. Not her place, she reminded herself as she crawled into her own bed again, a soft sigh leaving her as her face touched the cold side of her pillow.

She woke to the sound of the door to the balcony sliding open. Kate turned, eyes blinking against the bright light that was flooding the room. She reached for her watch on the nightstand to check the time and let out a groan when she realized she’d forgotten to set it to local time. With a yawn, Kate got out of bed and went over to the balcony, rubbing a hand over her eyes.

“What time is it?” she asked her. Colette cast a brief glance over her shoulder before she checked her watch.

“Ten past seven,” she answered.

“Jesus,” Kate muttered, lifting her arms to stretch.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Colette apologized. Kate watched her, the French woman’s arms resting on the banister of the balcony, shoulders slumped slightly. "I couldn’t sleep any more and had wanted a smoke for an hour, so...” she trailed off.

“I probably would’ve woken up soon, anyway,” Kate waved her off. “Do you mind if I take a shower? And turn the AC on?”

“Knock yourself out,” Colette waved her on. They’d turned the AC down for the night, but the room felt stiffling to Kate. She took her time in the bathroom, enjoying the cold water of the shower, a content sigh leaving her. When she returned to the bedroom, she found Colette gone. Kate blinked in confusion, before she realized that the woman’s sleepwear was on the bed. Apparently, Colette had decided to shower after breakfast. Well, her decision.

To her surprise, she didn’t find Colette down in the restaurant. Kate took her time at breakfast, enjoying the food. And avoiding a return to their room. Breakfast was almost at its end when Bridget and Colette came down, both wearing shorts and tank tops and looking pretty sweaty.

“Hey Kate,” Bridget greeted her with a big smile. Judging from Colette’s look, the French woman would have preferred breakfast at a different table, but still went with Bridget to join Kate’s.

“You went running?” Kate asked, slightly surprised. She knew Colette went jogging occasionally, though she rarely did it during layovers. Bridget nodded enthusiastically.

“We saw a couple of street cats,” she said, tearing a piece off a croissant. “There’s a tennis court down the road, if you want to go later,” she told Kate between bites.

“I think I’m good,” Kate shook her head and took a sip of her orange juice. “I’d probably die of heatstroke.”

At the words, Colette let out a snort, though she attempted to cover it with a cough. Kate rolled her eyes at the French woman. Yes, she was well aware of the fact that, once the temperatures hit the mid-eighties, her face tended to take on the color of her hair if she so much as broke into a light jog.

“The hotel also has a nice pool area,” Colette told her, surprising Kate when she addressed her. “I was thinking of doing some laps before lunch. Cool off somewhat.”

“Can I hand over Dean to you?” Bridget immediately asked her. The French woman gave a shrug.

“Sure, he can join me if he’d like.”

“Great, then he won’t get it into his head to bully me into going with him,” the blonde smiled before returning to her food. Kate emptied her glass and then excused herself, leaving the two to finish their meal in peace.

Colette’s comment about the pool area had made her curious, so Kate changed into a swimsuit and went down again to check it out. She found that the brunette had been right, it was a nice, generous area. It had a big, irregularly shaped pool for swimmers and a small kiddie pool, plus another, more traditional long pool that looked like it was more for people who wanted to get a workout than enjoy some relaxing water floating.

She was three laps in when Colette and Dean joined her. The three of them all set their own pace, waving at each other when they passed the others on their laps. To Kate’s surprise, Dean gave up after ten laps and got out of the water, waving goodbye at them. Another seven laps, and Kate was starting to feel the effect, too. She went over to the side and hoisted herself up, sitting on the edge of the pool to watch Colette briefly.

“You done?” the French woman asked her when she passed her, pausing in her strokes to kick water and remain on Kate’s level. The redhead hesitated before she nodded.

“Yeah, I think so,” she told her. To her surprise, Colette nodded and came over, pushing herself up and out of the water to join Kate.

“Kiddie pool?” she asked, but Kate pulled a face.

“In these temperatures?”

“Right,” Colette nodded in agreement. Kate turned her head to watch her. The brunette was holding onto the rim of the pool, her long legs moving slowly in the water, kicking out.

“I’m sorry,” she suddenly said. Kate’s eyes widened in surprise at the statement.

“Excuse me?”

“I’ve been...” Colette started, but trailed off. “Difficult would be putting it mildly,” she added with a frown. Kate furrowed her brows at the other woman in confusion.

“What are you talking about?” she asked her, wondering what on earth she had missed.

“I get it,” Colette told her, soft sigh leaving the French stewardess. “It took me a while, but... I think I understand now. Why you, broke it off. With me.”

“Oh,” Kate breathed, finding her heart in her throat all of a sudden.

“And I’m sorry, for making it more difficult,” Colette added, casting a glance at the American before her gaze returned to her legs again. Kate took a slow breath, and another, wondering what she was supposed to say. Was she supposed to thank her? For her understanding? Well, Kate hadn’t asked for it. Nor had she expected it. And if she was honest, she didn’t think that Colette really understood her decision, either.

She hadn’t broken up with her because she’d been miserable. She’d actually been pretty happy. Content. But she’d realized, with no small amount of sadness, that Colette and her were ages apart when it came to their handling of their sexualities. It wasn’t that Colette had pushed her, she’d accepted Kate’s boundaries. Hadn’t argued when Kate had dropped her hand in public. Hadn’t said a word when she’d greeted her by the customary faux-cheek-kiss instead of kissing her on the mouth. Hadn’t corrected her when Kate had introduced her as her colleague or her friend. But Kate had seen the flickers of disappointment in Colette’s eyes. Had seen the sadness in them. It had taken her a while to admit, but finally, Kate hadn’t been able to lie to herself any longer: she wasn’t what Colette had needed, wasn’t ready for the sort of commitment that the French woman seemed to yearn for. So she’d done the mature thing, ended it before it would have gotten even more painful. Didn’t mean it hadn’t hurt like a bitch still.

“I didn’t do it because I didn’t care for you like that,” Kate told her, wondering if the hotel pool really was the right place to have this conversation. “Maybe I cared too much. I just know I hated seeing you so sad, and knowing I was the reason for that sadness...” the redhead trailed off with a shake of her head.

“I hate this,” Colette muttered and pulled her legs from the water to wrap her arms around her knees. “I want to be your friend, but at the same time, I can’t, because all I keep thinking about is how this isn’t enough, how I want so much more than this...” she trailed off with a shudder. “I’m sorry,” Colette muttered and stood. She grabbed her towel from the side of the pool and wrapped it around herself, leaving without another word. Kate closed her eyes and pushed herself off the rim, dropping into the water and letting herself sink to the bottom of the pool. She stayed under water until her lungs burned with the need for her to take a breath before she planted her feet onto the tiles and pushed herself off. When her head broke the water, Kate let out a gasp and inhaled greedily, clutching at the rim of the pool as tears started to burn in her eyes.

She wanted to fix this. Wanted to repair the damage to her friendship to Colette so desperately, but Kate had no idea how to do it. She wanted to give the other woman space, and time, to heal, but with the two of them on the same crew, that wasn’t possible. And the more time they spent together, the more obvious it became to Kate that the damage inflicted by their failed attempt at a relationship probably wasn’t possible to ever repair.

The remaining hours of their layover she spent alone. Went back up to their room to change and pack her things, finding that Colette wasn’t there. Kate left again before the brunette returned, possibly from crying her eyes out to Bridget. She grabbed her wallet, a small purse and a bottle of water and then left, deciding that the best idea, the one where she was almost certain to not bump into anyone from the crew, was to just go for a walk and return as close to their departure for the airport as possible.

When she did come back, she found Laura and Martin already in the hotel lobby, sitting with their luggage and playing a round of cards. She met Colette when she went over to the elevators, the French woman standing inside one when its doors opened. She got out and Kate realized with a start that she’d also brought down her luggage.

“I think I checked everywhere,” she told her, holding out the keycard to Kate, “but you’re welcome to go back upstairs and have a look around, too.”

The redhead swallowed thickly before she shook her head no.

“I trust you,” she told her. “Thanks,” she added, grabbing her bag and walking over to the lounge area to join Martin and her sister.

The flight back was relatively uneventful. She did ask Bridget to put Colette and her in different parts of the plane, a request the blonde was already familiar with. They’d done the same when they’d been dating, wanting to avoid anyone of accusing them they were distracted and not doing their jobs properly. The past month they’d also asked for the same thing, but by then, they were no longer seeing each other outside of work. Bridget usually didn’t have any issues with accepting their request and Kate had the distinct impression that the Brit’s voice held an icy edge when she talked to her. So Colette had talked to her. Huh.

“Can I, talk to you,” Dean asked her, carefully grabbing Kate’s elbow and steering her into an empty briefing room when they’d landed and left the plane. The redhead blinked in surprise, too stunned to do anything.

“Why?” she asked him when he finally let go of her and closed the door to the room.

“I didn’t want anyone else to hear this,” the blonde pilot told her, setting his briefcase down before he crossed his arms and watched her. “Bridget told me that there’s been some, tension, on the crew. Between you and Colette, especially, but also her, and I think Laura and Colette aren’t doing to great with each other right now, either,” he said. Kate let out a soft sigh and put her carry-on down and leaned back against the table.

“Is this my pilot speaking, or my friend?” she asked him outright. Dean hesitated before he shook his head.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “As your friend, I want to know what’s going on, but as your pilot, I have to warn you. If this persists, I have to report it to management.”

Kate watched him before she felt a hollow laugh bubble up in her throat.

“Kate?” Dean called her name, sounding confused as the stewardess shook her head in bitter amusement.

“Let me guess,” she chuckled, giving him a knowing look, “Bridget had just the idea how I could avoid any unfavorable reports to management.”

Dean furrowed his brows, watching her intently.

“She did make a suggestion, yeah,” he nodded. “What are you implying?”

“Nothing,” Kate shook her head as she sobered. “If anything, I get why she did it. Went to you, I mean.”

She bent down and picked up her carry-on and bag again.

“Tell Bridget I’ve always liked Rome,” she told him before leaving the briefing room, already writing a request for reassignment in her head.

* * *

It hurts. It’s a startling discovery, Colette thinks, even though she might have been able to predict it. The fact that Kate is suddenly gone from their crew leaves her with an immense ache somewhere in her chest, one that sometimes makes it hard for her to breathe.

She rooms with Bridget most of the time. Partly because Laura and her are still on shifting ground, never quite sure what to say to each other and how to act around the other. Partly because she hates to admit that she’s been plagued by nightmares again. They’ve always been around, particularly when she’s stressed. She dreams of an barren house where every picture frame is empty. Dreams of lying on cold concrete in the middle of the street in the pouring rain, her entire body aching, pulsating with pain as she wails for her mother. Dreams of sitting on her father’s knee and suddenly dropping down onto the floor and when she turns, the rocking chair he previously occupied is empty and she is left alone. Dreams of waking in her own, empty bed, the memory of someone else clinging to the sheets.

It takes her a while to regain her footing. When Bridget confesses that there’s a chance Kate left because of something the Brit said to Dean, Colette isn’t sure what to say. How to react. She understands that her friend was trying to protect her, and there’s some part of her that is actually thankful for that. But her conscience screams out, because it strikes her as so unfair. That Kate had to be the one to go. That Colette is responsible for her friend losing her support network and being forced to move halfway across the world when it would have been much easier for her to simply return to France, where she is from. Then again, neither one of them should have had to leave. They’re both adults; given enough time and space, they probably would have been able to work things out between them.

Would they?

Colette isn’t so sure about that a couple of weeks after Kate has transferred to a European hub. She hasn’t asked anyone where the redhead ended up, Laura isn’t volunteering information, and when Bridget asked her if she wanted to know, Colette’s answer had been a resounding no. She cannot deal with this. She has to focus on patching herself back up, has to stitch herself back together after this clusterfuck of a break-up. She should have listened to her own advice. Don’t date best friends, because when it doesn’t work out, it is going to fuck you over big time.

Martin keeps inviting her to events of their little LGBTQ+ group, but she turns him down every time. There’s just something about the mere thought of being “out and proud” that sits wrong with her now. Kate never wanted to attend any of these things, either, and Colette somehow got it into her head that the next one she’d attend, it would be with Kate, when the redhead was ready. Now that won’t ever happen, and Colette just needs more time of accepting that sort of defeat.

She keeps going to church. Not just for service, but for solitude, too. To be alone with her thoughts in a place where she feels save. She knows her pastor worries when he keeps seeing her sitting in the pews at all kinds of times, jet lag and insomnia both driving her from her apartment. She turns down his offers of talking to him. Just to sound out her own thoughts, the things she’s struggling with. He promises he wouldn’t respond unless she wants him to, but how can she explain what is wrong when she cannot even figure it out herself?

She falls into bed with a Czech stewardess on layover in Brussels. Katja is two years her senior. Colette’s pretty sure she has a fiancé somewhere in Eastern Europe, some guy who works the ground crew at an airport. But there’s no ring on Katja’s finger, no tan line, and two bourbons into the night, Colette decides to say screw this and kisses the other European.

It’s the first time she sleeps with a woman, with anyone, since Kate broke up with her, and after leaving Katja’s hotel room to get back to her own, Colette finds herself erupting into tears. She misses Kate. Not just her former girlfriend, but she misses her best friend. Misses being able to talk to her, about anything. Misses hugging her and falling asleep on her couch, or waking up to find the redhead on hers.

It gets a little easier, after that. She gets back into the habit of flirting with passengers and accepting drinks at the bars the crew goes to for debriefings. She picks up an affair with Mark from Amsterdam. They meet up when she’s in the vicinity of his country (London and Paris and Amsterdam and Munich and Cologne and Marseille and Brussels) and have rather satisfying sex. It’s a no-strings-attached sort of agreement between them, and Colette finds that she actually manages to not fall in love with the guy. He’s attractive, dark hair, green eyes, stubble from skipping a day of shaving, nice suits that come with his job as a banker. He has a dry sense of humor and a sharp wit that makes her appreciate his company, though they rarely talk for longer than five minutes when they’re together. She does know that Bridget eyes the arrangement with a weary expression, but Colette waves her off. Mark’s save. He’s the sort of guy that looks great, on paper, but she would never start an actual relationship with. When they call it quits between them, it’s because his bank needs a new branch manager in Japan, and they both agree that perhaps that is a sign for them to stop doing this. She still has his number and sends him the occasional text when she’s in Amsterdam, with pictures to help with his homesickness. He messages back with pictures of Japanese everyday shots, and that is that.

For eight months, she bows out of every single flight to Italy. She’s well aware of the possibility of meeting Kate somewhere else, after all, they work for the same airline, the chances of their layovers connecting isn’t as slim as Colette would like to pretend. But something about the European country makes her balk at the thought of going there. Kate lives there, now, it is her territory, and Colette cannot fathom stepping foot on Italian soil for almost nine months.

She tries to get out of the flight to Rome, too, but Laura comes down with the flu, and Bridget has to drop off in London because of a family emergency, Colette doesn’t have much of a choice, short of actually getting a doctor to declare her unfit for flying. Which she doesn’t. And then wishes she had.

Martin drags her to Trevi fountain. It’s a tradition. Whenever their crew is in Rome, they go to see it, toss a coin into the water and make a wish. And then get ice cream after. At least in the summer. It’s late autumn now, there’s a chill in the air and Colette fingers the coin in her hand, trying to settle on a wish.

_I want to feel happy again._

She blinks her eyes at the sudden thought and gives a shaky exhale before she closes her eyes. Repeats the words in her head deliberately. Then opens her eyes and tosses the coin and watches it sink to the bottom of the fountain. Martin wraps his arm around her shoulders and kisses her temple before he pulls her along. She leans into him and sneaks an arm around his waist. They stumble over the cobblestones and round the corner, banging into someone. Martin quickly apologizes and draws a laugh from Colette when she realizes he’s gotten his languages mixed up and is speaking Spanish.

“Mi dispiace molto,” she says in Italian and turns to the stranger. And feels the grin on her face die in sudden shock when she stares right at a flustered Kate.

Kate says she had no idea they were in Rome. Colette almost wants to call bullshit, but the shocked surprise on the other woman’s face makes her reconsider. Maybe Laura didn’t tell her. She knows Bridget certainly didn’t, having been too caught up with her own life falling apart.

Martin says they have to catch up, and Colette looks at him in surprise. Apparently, the crew never went to meet up with Kate when they were in Rome. Kate says it’s fine, since most of the time, she would have been out of the country, anyway, but Colette still feels pretty angry about it in her stead. That she couldn’t face Kate didn’t mean she wanted the others to avoid her. Laura saw her a few times, but she’s Kate’s sister. The rest of the crew, they were her friends, and for them to just, drop her like this...

They find a little café, and order some coffee and biscuits. It’s actually nice, Colette finds, to see Kate again. Strange, but nice. The throbbing ache she’d been left with upon her disappearance has dulled to a distant yearning that she can easily ignore most of the time. Which is a good thing, because to nobody’s surprise, Martin manages all of ten minutes with the two women before he suddenly remembers a date and disappears. Colette shakes her head as Kate watches the man leave, her eyebrows almost meeting her hairline.

“Subtlety was never his strong suit,” Colette remarks and takes a sip of her coffee. Kate blinks and gives her a questioning look that makes the French stewardess laugh. “He hasn’t mentioned anything about a date to me when we made plans to spend the day playing tourists together,” she tells the other woman.

“Oh,” Kate breathes and stares into her cup, cradling it in her hands. “If you want to leave...” she trails of, her voice strangely soft. Colette finds herself wondering, briefly, if she might, but finds to her surprise that the urge to run from the room when she spotted Kate in it has disappeared.

“Actually, I don’t,” she tells her. Leans back in her chair and forces herself to relax. “I think Martin was right. How about we, try to catch up?” she suggests. Watches as Kate chances a glance at her, her eyes shimmering with hope before she gives a shy nod.

“I would like that very much,” she admits and Colette feels her lips beginning to tug into a smile.

It’s an awkward first attempt at reconnecting, and when they part, they’re unsure of how to say goodbye. In the past, they always hugged, and kissed each other on the cheek, but Colette cannot tolerate the thought of being that close to Kate just yet. So she extends her hand with an apologetic shrug, and Kate takes it after only a brief second of hesitation. Her hand is warm and the pressure gentle and Colette thinks that maybe, they’re on the right track.

They meet again in Brisbane and Helsinki and Marseille and Dublin, each time leading them closer together. After Helsinki, they start texting each other again, with pictures and funny things that happen on their flights. After Marseille, Colette sends Kate her work schedule, asking her if there is a chance they might see each other soon, and Kate replies with her own. And then surprises Colette by telling her she switched flights and they can actually meet up in Dublin, and Colette isn’t sure whether she should pause to examine why that makes her feel so happy.

After Dublin, there’s Warsaw and Prague and Vienna, and then there’s a long phone call, at the end of which Kate asks her if Colette thinks she could be able to stand knowing that Kate’s back in New York. Colette feels her heartbeat pick up at her words, because it is a reminder of what Kate sacrificed for her peace of mind, and she still feels horrible and guilty about that. So she tells her she would be glad if Kate came back. It’s late in February when they talk, and at the end of March, Kate texts her with her new address, six city blocks from Colette’s apartment.

Lisbon and Rome and London happen, and then New York, and New York, and New York, and New York. They see each other at work once, and then start meeting up in their spare time. It’s the weekend after Laura’s birthday and Kate threw her a huge party that has Colette spend the night again for the first time in over a year. She takes the couch, and the blanket and pillow smell like Kate’s laundry detergent, and Colette falls asleep to dreams of the two of them, together. The next morning is rather awkward, both of them uncertain of how to proceed. Kate tells her that she’s free to use the shower or run herself a bath, but Colette decides that she needs to get out of that apartment, so only takes a quick cup of coffee and then says goodbye with a one-armed hug and a kiss to Kate’s cheek before she leaves the redhead. In her own apartment, under the spray of her own shower, she carefully hits her forehead against the bathroom tiles and curses herself.

New York turns into Boston when Kate replaces Martin on their crew for one flight. And then for another, to Miami. And then she is offered a permanent position with them again, and Colette is shocked at the happiness and the relief she feels when she sees Kate’s name on the flight manifest again.

Varna and Iraklion cement their newfound friendship, especially when Kate manages to trick Colette and pushes her into the pool, only to find herself being lifted by Martin and tossed in right after the brunette, and then the rest of the crew jumps in and they start a water fight with each other. Iraklion is the first time that Colette feels okay about rooming with Kate again.

They start dancing again in Oslo. It’s Martin’s birthday and he drags them to a club and Kate pulls her onto the dancefloor and the music is deafening and the beat moves through her body as Colette starts dancing to the music.

Kate comes to Pride with them. Gets Martin to draw a rainbow on her left cheek, and two interlocked female signs on her right. She carefully paints a Bi Pride Flag onto Colette’s right cheek, Martin having left a lipstick mark on her left already. She feels the nervous energy radiating off Kate in waves and takes her hand after a few meters. Entwines their fingers and smiles at her as Martin hooks an arm around Kate’s shoulders from her other side, effectively trapping her between them.

“I’m proud of you,” Colette yells at her over the loud music. Sees Kate swallow thickly before she gives her a dazzling smile that causes her heart to skip a beat.

For a few months, they find a pattern. Their friendship blossoms, it almost feels like it used to. Colette’s still weary of texting Kate in the middle of the night, still doesn’t feel comfortable changing out of her clothes in front of her, but everything else is easy. Comfortable. She introduces Kate to a few people at their LGBTQ+ support group, suggests a few events she might like to attend. Finds, with a lot of surprise, Kate attending a poetry slam night Colette decided to go to at the last minute. Neither one told the other about it, and Colette has the chance of observing the redhead for a few moments when she hasn’t seen her. Kate looks, comfortable. For the first time since Colette can remember, she actually doesn’t seem to want to crawl out of her skin at the mention of anything queer-related. And Colette finds herself relieved for her friend.

Their pattern is smashed to pieces in Madrid. In the hallway of a nightclub Bridget dragged them to, Colette finds her back pressed against the wall, her fingers twisting into the material of Kate’s dress as she pulls the redhead closer and moans into her mouth. Kate kisses her with an intensity, a hunger that makes Colette’s body sing out with need, that makes her see stars and her hips press against the American’s with soft groan. Kate kisses her again and again, her fingers tangling in Colette’s long hair as she pulls her close, soft pants leaving her when they break the kiss finally and inhale deeply.

She can’t do this again. Cannot have her heart broken again. It hurt so much, losing Kate once, there is no way that she’ll be able to do it a second time. So she pulls away. Ducks her head and pries Kate’s hands from her waist when she tries to hold her close. Doesn’t say anything but slips past her to find Martin on the dancefloor and shouts into his ear that she needs someone to take her back to the hotel, and the guy takes one look at her before his face falls and he nods, steering her from the club with a warm hand on Colette’s back. Martin stays with her the whole night. Lets her sleep in his bed, wrapped up in his blanket and his arms. Colette cries, soft sounds that she tries to keep to a minimum. She knows Sanjeev probably isn’t happy about finding her in the room he shares with Martin, but one look at Colette’s shaking shoulders when her face is turned into Martin’s chest cuts off the other man’s protests.

Kate is pacing their room when Colette steps into it, shortly past seven in the morning. She’s wringing her hands, worry and guilt written all over her face.

“Where were you?” she asks her and then closes her eyes. "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to sound like that,” she apologizes. Hesitates. “I just, worried. I was really worried about you.”

Colette places her purse down and pulls the hair tie from the French braid she did to keep her hair from her face for the night.

“I stayed at Martin’s room,” she answers finally and sinks down onto her bed. Hears Kate give a slow exhale before she pulls out the one chair and sinks down onto the seat.

“I... I have no idea what to say,” the redhead confesses, breaking the tense silence after a couple of moments. “I mean, I feel like I should apologize, but I... I don’t want you to, get the wrong idea,” she adds. Colette risks a glance at her, but Kate is staring at her hands, a frown flitting across her face.

“I didn’t want to, drive you away. Make you feel like you had to spend the night somewhere else. I’m sorry for that,” she tells her. The brunette takes a slow breath, tries to find the words.

“You broke my heart,” she starts and sees Kate’s head snaps up, a pained expression on her face. “I get why you did it, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Because it did, it hurt so much... And I can’t do this again,” she tells her with a shake of her head. “Last night was a mistake. As wonderful as it was, we cannot do this again. I cannot do this again,” she clarifies when Kate opens her mouth to protest.

“What if I told you the reason for breaking up with you is... gone?” Kate asks. Colette closes her eyes against the sudden onslaught of tears and shakes her head.

“Stop,” she breathes. “Just, stop, Kate,” she adds with a shaky breath. “It hurt so much the first time, please stop making me believe that there’s a chance of us-”

“I broke up with you,” Kate interrupts her, her voice shaking, “because I wasn’t ready for everyone to know. I couldn’t accept this part of myself, never mind put it on display for anyone else to see. And I saw how much that hurt you, and I thought we were better off not seeing each other, when being with me caused you pain,” Kate explains. “But I, I’m ready now. I mean, I still have days where I struggle, but... I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you, make love to you again... Please, Colette.”

When she opens her eyes again, she finds Kate kneeling in front of her, her hands hovering over Colette’s. She slowly turns hers and Kate lowers her own to take them. It’s as if someone has flipped a switch, like the lights coming on in a darkened room Colette feels a jolt race through her. She pulls her hands away and cradles Kate’s face, pulling the other woman up and into a kiss. Kate lets out a startled sound, losing her balance and pushing Colette back onto the bed with her weight. She feels Kate’s fingers tug at the material of her dress and nods against her mouth, a soft sound escaping her when the other woman starts pulling it up.

It’s breathtaking, both wonderful and painful at the same time, to make love with Kate again after so many months of being unable to touch her. She remembers what made her sigh, what made her moan low in her throat. What made the redhead buck her hips and caused her to hiss her name, or shout it. Kate’s hands are insistent, travel all over her body, reacquainting themselves with the territory. There’s little finesse to this, they’re just fumbling and pushing against each other, unable to stop kissing for more than a few seconds at a time. When she comes, Colette sees fireworks explode behind her eyelids, a soft sob of relief escaping her. Kate holds her close, presses her face into the crook of Colette’s neck and kisses her collarbone as she slowly comes down from her high.

The first time Kate kisses her in front of the others is four days after the Madrid incident. On the plane, during preparations. Colette reached out to take her hand, in need of some reassurance, and Kate had whispered the question into her ear, asked her if she’d be okay if she kissed her. And Colette had wanted to know what would happen if she said yes, so she had, and a moment later, had felt Kate’s lips on hers. A soft, chaste caress, nothing more. But Kate had done it where she knew Bridget could see, where there was a chance of Martin and Laura also seeing them. She hadn’t hesitated, and that makes Colette feel strangely giddy and relieved at the same time.

She still needs time, to get used to the idea of actually being with Kate again. Needs some space, to wrap her head around it. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love her, because she does. By God, she loves Kate, more than she’s ever loved anyone else. More than Colette would have thought possible. But it is difficult, to allow her back in, when for months and months, Colette had been trying to shut her out and stay away in order to protect her aching, still mending heart. Learning to trust again, after being hurt before, after being hurt so badly, it takes time, and effort, and it’s harder than she would have thought.

Much to her surprise, Kate is patient. She’s sweet and keeps telling her how much she loves her. Keeps asking Colette to come over, keeps inviting her out on dates. Keeps reaching out to touch her arm or to take her hand. Presses gentle kisses to the corner of Colette’s mouth and her knuckles. And looks at her with an expression in her eyes that makes Colette’s heart melt every single time.

It’s months after Madrid, when Colette finds herself watching the redheaded woman on her couch. Kate’s eyes are closed and there’s a relaxed expression on her face, the hint of a smile playing around her lips as she listens to the music coming from the stereo. One of Martin’s DJ friends is working on an album, this is probably the third iteration of it that he’s handed out. It’s a strange combination between ambient and techno, and it makes Colette feels disoriented at times. Kate seems to like it, judging from her relaxed posture, the happy expression on her face. The coffee table in front of her couch is littered with takeout containers, from the sushi they ordered earlier, deciding that the two of them were too exhausted to eat out. Kate took a shower earlier, too, her hair is still slightly wet. Colette had told her she was free to run a bath, and the other woman had looked at her with a strange expression, before informing her that she’d do that, later. When Colette was going to join her.

It still makes her feel all fuzzy and giddy inside. When Kate looks at her like that. Like she is the only thing that matters.

“Hey,” Kate murmurs and Colette gives a slight shake of her head to pull herself from her thoughts. The other woman has opened her eyes and turned so she is facing Colette. Picks up her hand and toys with Colette’s fingers for a moment before she brunette moves them to entwine her fingers with Kate’s, and a grin steals across the American’s face. Her heart gives a flutter in her chest.

“Je t’aime,” Colette whispers softly. The words have slowly been climbing up her throat and stayed lodged in her throat for a moment before she’d gotten the courage to let them pass.

Kate’s face lights up, her eyes sparkle and Colette feels her squeeze her hand.

“I love you, too,” she replies and leans in to brush her lips over Colette’s in a soft caress. Feels her hand on her cheek, gently stroking her skin, and Colette lets out a soft sigh.

“So, about that bath...” Kate murmurs as she rubs her nose against hers and Colette leans in to kiss her again, slipping her tongue inside her mouth. She feels Kate melt against her, a sigh leaving the other woman, a familiar yearning stirring low in the pit of her stomach in response.

“Huh. Maybe later,” Colette replies between kisses. Pulls Kate against her and buries her hands in her hair as she lets herself fall back on her couch, the redhead landing on top of her.

“Yeah, later sounds good,” Kate mutters in agreement as she begins to trail kisses down Colette’s jawline, and the brunette lets out an appreciative humm, a hazy sort of happiness enveloping her as she wraps her arms around Kate and holds her close.


End file.
